"The candidates come from two tribes, the Democratic and Republican parties. They are financed by lobbyists who want to make sure the candidates know what is good for the people.

"Television is very important here. The candidates call each other bad names just like our Sunnis and Shias back home."

"In some states they have voting machines, and in some states they don’t. When they don’t work, the ballots have to be counted by hand. This is why President Bush won in Florida."

"It is very interesting, but here they have exit polls, and anyone can ask how citizens voted."

"I went to Akron, Ohio. I asked one man how he voted and he said, ‘They all lie, so I chose someone I thought lied less.’

"A lady told reporters, ‘I couldn’t stand Bush’s Iraq policies. I don’t want my daughter to die in Baghdad.’

"The lady didn’t know I come from Iraq. Several other people came out of the polls and said Iraq was the reason they voted for the Democratic Party."

"A reporter from a television station said the Republican Party is going to lose the election. Some voters were mad at the Republicans because a congressman was picking on congressional page boys, and the majority leader of the party did not tell anyone he knew about it.

"A lady standing in front of the polling booth recognized me as an Iraqi. ‘How did you guess it?’ I asked her.

"She replied, ‘I saw an AK 47 under your caftan.’

"She said she voted for the Bush party because she felt he was doing the right thing. She asked me, ‘How are things going in Baghdad?’

"I told her, ‘Despite what you read in the newspapers and see on television, life couldn’t be better. Only a few police stations are being blown up, the death squads are under control, and people drive merrily around in their cars, unless they happen to be suicide bombers. Things will get better when Bush changes course, and tells us what course he is going to take.’

‘What about security?’ she asked.  "I told her, ‘we don’t worry because Bush said the American troops will stay there for 10 years if they have to.

"She said, ‘Iraq is so confusing. Are you a democracy or aren’t you?’

"I said that we are struggling very hard. We know if we become a democracy the United States will rebuild our country. Once they spend all that money we will become a full-fledged democracy.

"Well that is my report. The elections are fair and the money needed to get elected is enormous.

"They have these elections every two years.

"If I don’t get kidnapped, I would like to come back in 2008, when the Democrats and Republicans will get really dirty."

(Art Buchwald is a celebrated US humor columnist. This is his first column after his return from a long book break.) (Sourced from: The Khaleej Times)

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