HEADLINES IN 2036! | DesPardes.com

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Bush Calls Iraq Main Front in War on Gay Marriage Accuses Iran, Syria of Sending Wedding Planners over Border DEC 18 - President George W. Bush attempted to build support for the increasingly unpopular war in Iraq today, arguing that Iraq is now �the main front in the war on gay marriage.� The president had never before linked the war in Iraq to the broader war on gay marriage, but in a nationally televised address today he made such a case. Speaking from the Oval Office, the president said that America�s enemies, such as Syria and Iran, were directly involved in sending wedding planners over the border into Iraq to plan gay weddings. The president said that were the United States to withdraw its forces now, as some in Congress have suggested, it would be �sending a dangerous message to gay engaged couples around the globe.� �Our choice is simple,� Mr. Bush said. �Do we fight the gay fianc�s and fianc�es in Iraq, or do we leave and let them bring their fabulous nuptials to our shores?� But even as President Bush was making his argument that the war in Iraq was part of a larger war on gay marriage, gay wedding planners in that war-torn country disputed the president�s assertions. Hassan El-Medfaii, a gay wedding planner in Saddam Hussein�s hometown of Tikrit, said he had seen �no increase� in gay weddings since the insurgency in Iraq began. �In this country right now, it�s hard to find two people who can even stand each other, let alone want to get married,� Mr. El-Medfaii said. Elsewhere, in a positive sign for holiday retailers, sales of totally useless items surged last week. (The Borowitz Report) Also read: FIRST STARBUCKS TO BE BUILT ON MOON BY 2020 11,000 by 2021, Coffee Giant Says

One disaster to another! Here is the winner of the Bush vs Bush Photo Caption Contest: Bush Snr: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time..."

Polish Divorce A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: Have you any grounds? Polish: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? Polish: It made of concrete. Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? Polish: No, we have carport, and not need one. Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like? Polish: All my relations still in Poland. Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage? Polish: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up? Polish: No, I always up before her. Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce? Polish: She going to kill me. Lawyer: What makes you think that? Polish: I got proof. Lawyer: What kind of proof? Polish: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

Harley-Davidson The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is: you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." " God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!" "Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God, "it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to my calculations, more men are riding my invention than yours! -Emailed by Nusrat Asrar from California

HELP! I'm trying to find out which WalMart sells this mirror! Emailed by Shaikh Amin, NY

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*HEADLINES IN 2036!* -- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. -- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. -- Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped. -- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. -- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. -- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. -- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. -- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2040. -- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $1789 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. -- 85 years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. -- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs . -- Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. -- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. -- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. -- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. -- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. -- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Emailed by Rashed Chaudhury, Dhaka, Bangladesh

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